that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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