can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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