omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
