You don't have asthma, your pregnant
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
