I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
