I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
