I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
