I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
