i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
