wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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