Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
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