My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Sober January is a disaster.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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