Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
