Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
i love accidental penises.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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