I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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