i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
