Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
that is very illegal...i love you.
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