So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Randomize
