I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize