I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
