You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Alive.
So much puke
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
