every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
