I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
