Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
