I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
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