I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
