4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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