sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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