I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
