Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
