Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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