it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
