Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
