i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
