Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
