If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Randomize
