fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
