dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
