can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
