I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
