found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize