I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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