Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Randomize
