Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
