My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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