you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Walk of Shame today included voting.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
