my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
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