Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
