I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
