everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
Randomize
