Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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