The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
