the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
