i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
