I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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