I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize