Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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