yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
operation have a gay friend backfired
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
