I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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