I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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