What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I just pynch a tree in the face
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Dear god my vagina.
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