How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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