alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
