life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
