last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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