meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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